Most of you know me as an advocate for the accused. One reason that I have chosen to pursue that path is to put into practice my belief that all living creatures are worthy of love and compassion, even those who, in the eyes of many, have forfeited that worth.
Recently, circumstances have forced me to acknowledge that victims of violence are also an under-loved community. I have been working with a group here on campus that formed as a support network for one particular survivor, but also as an activist group to change the culture on campus. I have learned a great deal from them about the realities of trauma, blame, and self-ownership. One thing that I have learned, and would like to pass along, is that victim-blaming has a great deal more depth to it than the traditional “she had it coming/she wanted it/she was a slut” defense to accusations of sexual violence. Victim blaming can be more subtle than that, often comes from people who think they are being supportive, and is not confined to survivors of sexual violence.
So, as one of my friends puts it, let’s talk about the difference between being supportive and being an asshole.
Talking to a survivor, especially one who is freshly traumatized, about how their own acts enabled, facilitated, or increased the risk of what happened to them, is being an asshole. Trust me, they are already thinking those thoughts. Your focusing on that side of it sends and reinforces the message that ‘what happened to me was my fault.’
Variations include:
- You shouldn’t have taken that drink from that person
- You shouldn’t have gone to that party
- You shouldn’t have taken that drug (with those people)
- You shouldn’t have associated with those people
- What did you think/expect was going to happen?
- Well when you come dressed like that…
- You shouldn’t have walked down that street
- You shouldn’t have been walking alone at night
Many of these admonitions represent good strategies for mitigating risk, but it is a risk that nobody should have to mitigate. Focusing on that end of it sends the message that volenti non fit injuria–that one cannot complain of the results of a situation that one put onesself into.
This, of course, is preposterous. Nobody signs up for rape. Nobody signs up for mugging or beating or shooting or stabbing. (Except somebody who starts a gun or a knife fight. They might be signing up for shooting or stabbing.)
Being supportive is focusing blame where it rightly belongs: on those who perpetrate violence. Being supportive is focusing outrage on those who injure others, not focusing shame and blame on those who are injured. Survivors don’t need a lesson on risk mitigation, they need love and compassion. For the gods’ sake, give it to them!
Of course, none of this means that I think we ought to lock offenders up and throw away the key. I think that perpetrators deserve a similarly-compassionate approach, and we as a society ought to focus on what we can (before and after the fact) to help people show a similarly-loving approach to the world and their fellows.
If anybody on the police/prosecution side ever reads this, let me suggest something to you: your duty is to investigate and determine the facts objectively, but you can do that duty in a way that is sympathetic and compassionate to survivors. Don’t assume that somebody who complains of a sexual assault is lying any more than you would assume the same of somebody who complains of a mugging.
If you must know (and I admit, there will be times when you must know), what somebody was wearing at the time, or a similarly-sensitive fact, be sensitive about how you inquire. Don’t insinuate, even one scintilla, that you are asking what a survivor was wearing because that could make a difference in whether or not it’s the perpetrator’s fault. Don’t bring charges that you know aren’t going to stick to make the victim/family happy, because the process of going through a trial and then getting a dismissal or not guilty verdict costs a lot of emotional energy for everybody. And it’s professional misconduct. If you do decide there isn’t enough evidence to bring charges, deliver the news in a way that validates the victim’s anger and pain, and says “I believe that you were hurt and I am sorry, but I do not believe that I can get proof beyond a reasonable doubt.” And refer to other resources. One of the worst breaches of trust for any professional is to send a client (or other person who depends on you) away with an “I don’t know” or “I can’t help you,” and without a referral to somebody else who can.
7 responses so far ↓
1 Bryn // May 13, 2008 at 11:37
You said it well, Andy. I would like to add a thought that bugs me–when people who think they’re being supportive insinuate that the survivor got his/her/zirself into trouble because they weren’t using “common sense” (not so common), that “support” person is revealing much about themself and our society. We expect so little respect and have been raised in such an individualistic, bootstraps culture that we put all the responsibility on ourselves and have no concept of community values and others’ responsibility to NOT violate us. So, when a friend says, “Why were you at that party with those people, you should know better,” the real question should be, “Why did those people think it was okay to violate you, why aren’t we confronting them, and why do I, in my mind, adopt a perspective of helplessness and affirm their ‘right’ to violate you simply because I think they’re sketchy people?” It’s such a huge and subtle question about mindset, but it’s the core for me. And changing that is so, so revolutionary.
2 Kathleen // May 13, 2008 at 12:14
Thanks.
3 Borealis // May 13, 2008 at 12:31
Well said, Bryn. And even rocking the gender-neutral personal pronouns! Wheee!
4 Adrienne // May 13, 2008 at 17:18
This is a terrific and important message, particularly coming from a future PD. I have realized in the course of my own (CU based) sexual assault trial — although the defendant in my case is a rich bastard with snazzy private counsel — both how vital to the fairness of our criminal justice system AND how difficult being a defense lawyer must be, particularly a public defender, where you are bound to encounter America’s greatest injustices every day. Someone has to do it, but wow. It takes enormous strength and compassion to choose that life. Even as a victim, I appreciate that.
You are absolutely right in saying that no victim needs to be reminded to blame him- or herself. It is the first, and most insidious, and longest lasting of any victim’s reaction to rape. I thought the CUPD and TC DA’s office handled it well in my case — the defense counsel was not so kind in his insinuations — when they began to question me about what I was wearing or if I’d been drinking, or what I tend to wear, or how many people I tend to sleep with. They framed it as a set of questions they had to ask because the defense was bound to bring it up (which was true) and because as wrongheaded and bizarre as such questions were, they are the kind of things that influence jurors in a country where blaming the victim is part and parcel of how people explain away terrifying statistics about the prevalence of rape. A desire to avoid feelings of guilt is certainly part of the mentality behind victim blaming, but so is a desire to maintain the illusion of safety.
I was (lucky enough to be?) a hard victim to blame. I was in my house. I was sober. I did not let the defendant in. I said no, then I screamed it, then I fought. But my illusions of safety were shattered that night.
Victim blaming is absurd not simply because it is obvious that the perpetrators of violence should be the first to be blamed for their violence (although that is only the beginning of understanding a crime, and I do hope someday our criminal justice system will try much harder to understand and help even the truly guilty– I’m a big believer in assholes– but very few people are born sociopaths or anything– and it’s important for our future to understand how assholes got that way). Still, the burden of dealing with and explaining a violent crime belongs to the perpetrator of that crime. That’s not the only reason why victim blaming is silly.
I have traveled the world and been in all kinds of crazy situations for someone so young. I’ve lived on my own many times, in dangerous neighborhoods and devastatingly poor countries. I’ve been in some tough situations, and done all kinds of incredibly stupid things, sometimes because I needed to, and sometimes just because I was (even) young(er) and really irresponsible. Especially when I was a wayward teenager, I put myself in all kinds of serious danger. When I was traveling I relied all the time on the goodwill of strangers to keep me alive. Partially through luck, and partially because the world is filled with many wonderful people, I arrived at Cornell fairly unscathed.
But when I got to CU I felt pretty safe. I was smarter, b/c I was older, and I never drank enough to lose my wits, or went anywhere with strange guys, or partied without a big group of friends, because I knew from my old school what happens to college girls who let their guards down. I was surrounded by kids with strict moms and bright futures - kids who didn’t fit my naive profile of a violent criminal. I was living in a town with a really, really low crime rate compared to what I’m used to. And one of those smart rich kids broke in to my house and attacked me, and I lived through the worst violence I ever had. I followed all the rules that victim blamers set out, and I was still violated.
It was terrible luck but I learned something from it. For the first time in my life I was playing it safe, living and acting like good little girls are supposed to act, and it was then that the worst happened. Violent people don’t care who you are, and rapists aren’t really after sex per se. Rape is often really about violence and power, not sexual desire the way most of us experience it, and anyone (men, the elderly, anyone) is a potential victim. There is nothing any victim SHOULD have done to protect him-/herself, because too often there’s nothing he or she COULD have done.
My point is this: We can keep ourselves completely cloistered, make a concerted effort to be unattractive, cover our bodies completely, refuse to meet anyone new. There will still never be a guarantee that we are safe. No study shows hotties or skimpy dressers are drastically more likely to get raped, and it’s far less likely to be a stranger that rapes us than someone we already know. The list goes on. We could waste our lives taking precautions to avoid something that, when it comes down to it, is out of our control.
I can’t think what a victim could do to make a rape his or her fault. I’m trying and trying here and I can’t think of one single thing. Sure, victims should talk and think about ways to be safer in the future, but the first way to make us safer, and the first priority in these cases, should be to make ensure that perpetrators are held responsible for what they have done.
Andy is right: Even the most well-intentioned friends and family members must be careful not to increase the already enormous psychological burden a victim carries.
Bryn is also right. We distance ourselves from victims by telling ourselves they just don’t have common sense. And it is affirming the rights of the perpetrators by saying we know better, we can tell they are sketchy, so they’re not a problem. It also assumes that most perps seem like perps– often they don’t! It’s rarely who you think it is. It’s not like people have big Rs for Rapist stamped on their foreheads! And similarly, that denial of community responsibility and that encouragement of self-blame to underreporting of rapes, and also to greater psychological isolation of the victim. In a country where 1 in 4 women will be raped no victim should feel isolated, but we do, because part of the “bootstraps” culture is that we’re supposed to just suck it up and deal with our shit, and deal with it alone.
Again, guys, thanks for writing about this! We need articulate people helping educate others about this issue. It’s very hard to talk about, and we need every voice we can find.
Solidarity,
Adrienne
PS Here’s my blog, it’s called Trouble Shared is Subversive. I’d be honored to have you as a reader, if you have the time! http://onlythingicandonow.blogspot.com/
5 Karl // May 13, 2008 at 20:05
Well said! Even the hard core Kantian deontologists ought to concede that there is a distinction between cause and fault. A distinction that is sadly lost on a great deal of people. There could be thousands of causes for any one crime, but only a handful of people to whom the responsibility and guilt truly lie. However, it’s much easier to believe that the world is just and that people get what they deserve, rather then to accept that sometimes people can do everything right and still suffer.
Risk mitigation is still important, but it is a preventative measure, not something you bring up when someone is trying to recover afterwards. Still, it is my fond hope that people will make themselves more aware of risks, and at the same time, refuse to allow fear to keep them doing what they ought to be able to do. A world full of people who trust nobody and do nothing is no solution and liable to only compound matters in the long run.
6 Andrea // May 14, 2008 at 0:41
yeaa, thanks for writing this!! it is so true! ppl who think they are helping by saying things blaming the victim…honestly! it’s like, i think what happened is enough of a “lesson” for naivety if that were their argument anyways…i still don’t really see any “assholes” though unless they do it intentionally…most people don’t know how to deal with these kinds of things, so can we really blame them? I mean, they could try and be a bit empathetic I suppose, but that’s expecting much…community is important, i’m so grateful for evryone in ithaca who has been supportive of stuff that has been going on, b/c if not, I’d be all “individualistic” and lose hope for empathy.
7 Borealis // May 14, 2008 at 2:58
Andrea, you are a woman after my own heart–love-not-hate all the way! Given all that you have been through, I admire you for that and find it quite inspiring!
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