WHILE THE PROTCUHS AAH COLLECTING THE EXAMS, THE BOAHD OF BAHR EXAMINUHS WOULD LIKE TO MAKE THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT:

THIS AFTUHNOON

WHILE YOU WERE TAKING THE EXAM

THE BOSTON GLOBE REPOWAHTED

MANNY RODRIGUEZ HAS BEEN TRADED TO THE DAWGUHS!

Those who have never studied law may find some of these funny, but I make no warranties.

Best wishes to all who must endure what this week brings–and if anybody reading this took the Louisiana bar, you are already done, and I do not want to speak to you for the next week (except Ariel.  And Josie.  Okay, I do want to speak to you, just not about the bar exam.)  But you may still enjoy the quotes.  I apologize for the lack of usufruct jokes–we don’t have those up North.

And because this post contains some statements of positive law, and because Paul Lisnek tells us to presume non-lawyers are morons for professional responsibility purposes, I feel compelled to tell you that you would have to be a moron to think that anything in this post (or elsewhere on this blog) is legal advice.  If anything here seems to speak to your particular situation (for example, if you have been having sex with a seventeen year old in MA and filming it), do not rely on these quotes.  For the gods’ sake do not comment about it or contact me.  Get a lawyer.

Michael Simons–Criminal Law and Procedure

Death by lightning is not a natural and probable consequence of a mugging

You can’t burglarize your own house, but it happens with some regularity on the bar exam

In Massachusetts it is legal to have sex with a seventeen year old, just don’t take any pictures. That’s child pornography.

The last thing you want is for a Mass essay grader to think you’re from New York!

Drugs.  Yes, they’re illegal.

We’ve been at this for two hours, and so far what have you learned? BAR PREP IS BORING!!

Eye rape is not a crime, thank goodness!

Bob Cohen (you know him)

I’m a covenant, I’m a covenant, I’m running with the land!
–New York Bar examinee

I used to ask myself, should I go to my dentist and get a root canal today, or should I study property? The root canal usually won out.

If you think he’s in the closet and he’s not, but in the closet is a baggie labeled “fleeing felon’s heroin,” you can take it”

Paul Lisnek (you had him for the MPRE.  You may have also seen him on CNN)

What is the most severe thing the bar can do to you for violating its rules? We fill in number four, “lethal injection.”

For purposes of the bar exam, laypeople are morons

Once dead, the world is on notice that you’re probably not practicing anymore. Except where I live in Chicago, where we’re never quite sure.”

Ambassadorships are permanent even when the country is temporary

Law professors are like dead lawyers

David Epstien

Armadillos from Texas Play Rap Eating Tacos

If you have an unlimited number of people, an unlimited number of chainsaws, and an unlimited quantity of beer, you can level any stand of trees within a year

He’s got my damn grits!!!

There is no masturbation in contract law!!!

Misspelling parol is going to cause whoever is grading that exam to turn off the Sox game and pay more attention to what he is reading. We don’t want that to happen!!!

Maybe parol is how people in early England said “oral.” Maybe they went around having parol sex!

You cannot simply see two numbers on the bar exam and say, ‘aha, I am subtracting!’ Read the damn question!

What is the point of this hypo other than another gratuitous, cheap shot at Conviser? Well, that’s about it…

As luck would have it, they have recenty extended the internet so it reaches all the way into Texas!

Chemerinski

Congress may have thought having a national bake sale would be a good way to raise a lot of dough!

Paula Franzese

This is a time in your life that you deserve to be feeling some happiness. But this right now, this is not about happiness”

The person we have to thank for all of this is named, appropriately, William the Bastard

Gawd bless you. Gawd bless all of you.

“…and in any event, all of that is irrelevant.”

“An ounce of history is worth a pound of logic”

“We wrote the statute! That’s why they hate us!”

“I live for property. I’ve been teaching property for 22 years. This is my life. And even I’m bored!”

“This too will pass. And so will you.”

“Golf clubs in your hands would be consumer goods. Golf clubs in the hands of Tiger Woods would be equipment. Golf clubs in the hands of Golf Emporium would be inventory. Golf clubs in the hands of a deviant farmer would… never be a good thing.”

Richard Freer

We’re going to assume here that Elvis is dead

It just feels good to say to the bar examiners, “hey, FQ pal!”

We never remember how many c’s and how many r’s in occurrence anyway!

In recent years, the Mass examiners have shown no interest in Erie, so we have something in common with them.

Watch for Hypo #2. It’s the only sexy thing left in venue!

I bet number two is on the next page. Should we look?

Supreme Judicial Court. Because people were going to confuse it with the supreme racquetball court!

Mike Sims

The California Supreme Court has ruled that it is not malpractice to not understand the Rule Against Perpetuities

If you have a pulse and a conscience, you should be able to handle the PR questions.

If you are not the one person in the world who understands commercial paper, let me give you my guide to faking it.

You know what lawyers do, right? We fling paper at each other!

If you don’t know any law, learn some. It will help you.

Wanna have some fun with the bar examiners? After you get done inventing your rule, invent an exception! Then move from your rule to your exception

You did what we all did! You got some Gilberts and some Emmanuel’s and you got drunk! But you couldn’t tell anybody, it would ruin the mystique!

Michael Kaufman

As you know by now, I am very very weird!

I’ve got a hunch—a very strong hunch—a hunch that this is coming soon to a bar exam near you!

Stanley Johanson

Neither presumption arises if will was last seen in the possession of someone adversely affected by its contents. Then the presumption is hanky panky.

You gotta use human lives! You can’t use cats, that wouldn’t be fair! They got nine of ‘em!

Making her money the old-fashioned way—she married it!

It’s not nice to kill your father—especially with a dull ax!

Faust Rossi

All they could come up with was the tort of seduction of a previousy-chaste female. That’s obsolete. The tort, that is.

You leave that kind of wild speculation to law professors who are drafting examination fact patterns while on cocaine.

(See also the Spring, 2007 edition of Professor Quotations.  Those that were repeated are omitted here)

Roger Schechter

You could learn this subject out of the national enquirer!

Prostitution is illegal. Just because you structure it as a requirements contract doesn’t change the analysis.

I suggest Susan’s approach. If you see that same-sex marriage question and you can’t deal with it, answer it as if it’s a corporations question!

*Previous installments were published only to Cornell Law students