Yesterday I encountered Tofutti’s “better than cream cheese” at the grocery store, and decided to try it out.

See, I’m one of those people who believes that “omnivore” means “eat everything,” as long as it’s food.  But I’m picky about that last bit.  I’m a firm believer in “fake” food, though I don’t like the term.  I eat tofurkey Italian sausage, I drink silk, and I like veggie burgers.  I also occasionally eat pork sausage and hamburgers.  I don’t drink dairy milk, because lactose and I don’t play nice.  That’s where Tofutti comes in.

I will say first, “better than cream cheese” tastes roughly like cream cheese.  Most “fake food” doesn’t taste like what it’s named after.  You eat it because it’s tasty and can be used like its “real” cousin, not because it tastes the same.  Tofutti is merely a pale imitation of real cream cheese.  Passable, though.

EXCEPT:

IT’S MADE FROM TRANS FAT!!

That’s right, ingredient number 2 is “partially hydrogenated soybean oil.”  At least the nutrition label admits that of the 2 grams of fat per serving, 2 grams are from trans fat.  For those who haven’t been following along at home, trans fat is an unnatural kind of fat that’s very difficult for your body to break down, so it has nothing better to do than deposit in your belly, thighs, and oh yes, coronary arteries.  This shit is bad for you.  And because it doesn’t occur in nature and can’t be made in your kitchen:

Toffutti-brand “better than cream cheese” flunks the “made from food” test.

Update: I’ve been informed that Tofutti makes a trans-fat free version; but that it has been largely rejected by consumers because it is more expensive, tastes nasty, and is no good for baking.  But if you want nasty, expensive, unbakable soy-cream cheese, you can get it at Whole Foods.

That’s all, folks.